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~P

I had to work on a PowerPoint presentation this week for our sales manager.  One of the things [...]]]> This week’s Caption Fun Friday is a little different.  I came across something that just made me snort and I wanted to share it with all 140 of you who read this thing with any sort of regularity.

I had to work on a PowerPoint presentation this week for our sales manager.  One of the things that was bothering me while working with PowerPoint was that I couldn’t figure out how to make the text wrap around an image.  It was really getting frustrating.  Normally these things are pretty self explanatory – some sort of button or right click (even WordPress has a text wrap function when you upload an image), but not so with PowerPoint, so I had to resort to using their Help button and doing a search for ‘wrap text’.  What I found, is what made me snort/amused me to no end.

1) There is no such function in PowerPoint.

2) They have detailed instructions on how to ‘work around this’:

As I said, this just amused me so much.  If you want to wrap your text, create multiple text boxes and SURROUND the image…

You can’t make this stuff up…

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Now, for [...]]]> With the holiday season here again, and more and more people spending more and more time on the busy, bustling streets of our great cities, I’ve decided in the interest of safety and public service, that we need to talk about a few things that seem to confuse the average driver.  Namely, traffic lights.

Now, for the uninitiated, ‘traffic lights’ are the multicolored boxes that hang from wires or suspend from poles in the spots where two or more roads/streets meet – also called ‘intersections’.  Usually, traffic lights are reserved for ‘major intersections’, so you don’t typically see them in neighborhoods.  Traffic lights serve an important purpose, though I know that, for the most part, drivers tend to be wholly unaware of any such purpose.  I’m here to tell you -that purpose may be more important than you’ve ever understood before.

Let’s jump right in.  To the left, you can see a typical American traffic signal light.  The lights in your area may appear slightly thinner or wider, might be hanging from wires that crisscross an intersection, may be suspended from a pole or even sit atop a pole and may or may not have lights that face multiple directions like the one pictured – it all depends on the style of your area and what your cities purchase.

Now, I want to draw particular attention to the color of the traffic light in the image – it’s -green-.  Green means ‘go’.  When one of these traffic signals shows a bright green light (or a bright green arrow – but I don’t want to get into that right now and confuse you too much), it means that you have the right of way to cross the intersection.  There’s no need for you to stop (unless there’s some sort of emergency or heavy traffic clogging the intersection).

Got that? A green light means you can go?  Good.  I’m glad we’re all on the same page.  That was the simple part of all of this, so I’m glad to get past it so we can move on.

I’m gonna throw you a bit of a curve-ball now, though.  There is more than one color light on a traffic signal.

I know that you’re staring at the screen as if I’d just told you that the sky is purple and snow is made of snicker-doodles.  It’s okay – trust me, I’m not lying to you or teasing you or trying to pull a fast one here. There really are more than one color on a traffic signal.

Yellow, as seen in the image to the left, is the second color on the traffic light.  Recognize it now?  I’m sure you do, but you probably don’t know what it means.  You see, a yellow light on a traffic signal?  That means ‘slow down’ AND ‘prepare to stop’.

Again, I know you are staring at the screen, thinking that I’m pulling some sort of hoax on you, but I assure you that I’m not.  It really does mean ‘slow down’ and ‘prepare to stop’.  For most drivers, the yellow light means ‘step on the gas because I have to make the light’.  I’m here to tell you – that’s not what it means; that’s just an urban legend that’s built up around it over the years.

Take a minute, let that sink in – I know it’s a lot to take all at once.  Most people have lived their entire ‘driving lives’ under the impression that the green and yellow lights weren’t really that different, that both meant ‘go’, but the second meant ‘go fast oh my freaking god I have to make this light go go go!’, but it doesn’t.

Settled down a bit?  Good.  Because I’m not done.  As much of a shock as that was, there’s still one more color to discuss: Red.

I know what you’re thinking; ‘Red = the ten second rule’, and you’re not alone.  For many drivers, red does mean ‘I’ve got at least ten more seconds to go through this intersection’.  Heck, look around you the next time you’re coming up on an intersection and the light turns red.  More likely than not, you won’t be the only one using those precious extra few seconds to fly through the intersection.

But, sadly, I’m here to tell you that you, and all those other folks in that intersection with you, are wrong.  Red doesn’t equal ‘ten more seconds to make it through the intersection’.  Red does, in fact, mean ‘STOP’.  When the traffic signal changes from yellow to red, you are expected to stop.

Believe it or not, it’s true.  Stop.

I know this is a lot to take in all at once, but with the holidays here and so many people out driving, I felt that it just couldn’t wait any longer.

Green: Go.

Yellow: Slow down and prepare to stop.

Red: Stop (now, not in ten seconds).

If you keep these three simple rules in mind, we’ll all have a happy, safe holiday season.

Now you know (And knowing is half the battle.)

~P

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With this in mind, and since the powers that be obviously don’t [...]]]> So. There’s lot’s of talk out on the web about how there are plans in motion to reboot Battlestar Galactica as a movie franchise completely separate from the recent series that ran 4 seasons and 22 years on the channel formerly known as SciFi.

With this in mind, and since the powers that be obviously don’t think this will offend the fans of the popular show – fans like me and probably you – given that the show only JUST ended its run, I offer some suggestions on some other popular shows that they could reboot just as soon as they go off the air or, heck, while they’re still on the air!  I mean, why not?

First up: Lost.

Look, this is the last season for Lost, right?  So why not start developing the movie version right now?  Heck – you go throw a little environmentalism into the mix what with the polar bear from season 1 and all.  And, you could think younger with the cast, which we all know you like to do out there in Hollywood.  Shia Labeouf could play Jack, Megan Fox could be Kate – I’m sure you can figure it out from there.  Of course, you’ll have to change it to make it appeal to a ‘larger audience’ then the mere millions who watch the show right now.  Maybe add a dog and a little kid – wait, that was already in the show for a bit…

Second: Fringe.

We all know Fringe is cool and slick and doing really well – heck, it got renewed for another season, right?  But why bother with writing show after show after show with those long, boring story arcs that the powers that be just hate because they’re so confusing and involved!  Gawd!  Just let Kevin Sorbo write up a movie for this thing, something really simple that anyone can follow.  Since you’re committed to the second season, you could plan the movie for next summer.  Of course, you’ll have to put young, fresh faces in the roles and maybe set the whole thing in high school instead of as an FBI drama.  Maybe put a tortured vampire in there as an extra little hook…

Lastly: Supernatural

The boys have said they’re done after this season (without having actually read their contracts, btw), so the time is ripe to reboot this sucker on the big screen!  Two brothers, traveling the country solving mysteries involving ghosts and urban legends…it’s GOLD Jerry!  GOLD!  Add a hot girl and a dog and you have a pg-13 family friendly goldmine that will keep churning out crap-shaped gold nuggets summer after summer!  Well, you’ll have to take out the sex – but not too much of the sex, and don’t show any blood or demons or magic – and for godsakes, whatever you do – don’t make the story scary!  Have them trying to get from point A to point B with some adventures in between, maybe a little slapstick comedy – something with a rake in the nads, that’s always funny, right?  And have Dwayne Johnson or Vin Diesel be the random, tough but caring guy who befriends the boys and sees them safely to their destination – like Bobby!  Oh, and do it all in 3-D.  And maybe animated.  But not by Pixar – try Dreamworks cuz they’re cheaper.  Christmas release, 2010?  I’M TELLING YOU – IT’S GOLD JERRY!  PURE GOLD!

*tongue planted firmly in cheek*

~P

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