All Things From My Brain » funny

Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 18:00:15 +0000

Shadow: “I’m telling you – we have to do something!”

Me: “About?”

“THE MONSTER IN THE HOUSE? Where the hell have you been?”

“I don’t think he’s the monster you think he is. Have you tried talking to him?”

“You don’t talk to monsters. You slay them.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Those shows you watch with the girl who goes around killing monsters. DUH!”

“Right. Listen, you two need to get along so-” *picks him up*

“Hey! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME DOWN, FUCKER!*

“Calm down! This is for your own good!” *tosses him down on the comfy chair next to Dakota*

Dakota: “Bwohaha. Han, ma bookie, keel-ee calleya ku kah.”

Shadow: “AIIIIIGGGHHHHH!”

Dakota: “Bwohahaha.”

Sigh.

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The Traveling Wilburys

Patrick Hester — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 18:00:21 +0000

I cleaned out my iPhone last night, purging all music from it and starting over. I felt like I’d been in a rut musically lately and needed to change things up. It was almost a traumatic experience to hit that delete button. Part of me wishes they made an MP3 player that could hold my entire music library so I would never have to choose what to carry with me. Part of me. The other part is kinda glad that I have to choose because it means that I explore my music more than I would otherwise, picking and choosing the things I want to listen to, finding gems I may have forgotten about or that I haven’t listened to in a long while instead of listening to the same twenty songs over and over again.

A while ago, The Traveling Wilburys Collection was finally released on iTunes and reissued on CD after a very long absence. Here’s a trip for you – I had them on cassette tape! I never owned the CD’s and, consequently, didn’t have them in my iTunes except for a couple of the hits that came from somewhere. So when they came up, at long last, as something I could purchase on iTunes, I was really excited.

Then I promptly forgot about it and didn’t buy the collection.

I kept thinking, every once in a while, ‘Oh, hey – need to buy The Traveling Wilburys!’ but then I’d get distracted and it would get pushed to the back of my mind again.

Until last night.

I bought the whole collection and promptly added it to my iPhone playlist. I’m listening to it today at work.

I remember the first time I listened to these songs. My mom was working at an Italian Restaurant called Luigi’s in Fresno California. It was on Blackstone Ave in the same strip mall area as K-Mart and this hobby store whose name escapes me but where I bought my first Dungeons & Dragons books. Anyway, I would go to Luigi’s after school (taking the bus) and hang out with mom playing Mrs. Pacman in the bar or doing my homework in one of the empty booths until she got off work at six and we’d head home for dinner.

One day, I’d heard this song ‘handle me with care’ by the strangest group; The Traveling Wilburys. The group was made up of some really famous people including: George Harrison, Jeff Lynn, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan & Roy Orbison. I really liked and wanted the song. I asked my mom and she gave me some money and sent me down the strip mall to Tower Records where I bought the cassette. I then headed behind the K-Mart to the little apartment complex where my older brother was living so I could play it on his stereo.

I remember him staring at me as I played the songs. “You like this?” he asked. “Yep,” I replied. He was surprised. “I didn’t think you liked good music.”

Of course, it made me suspicious that he would make such a comment. He and I did not like the same music. His tastes tended towards AC/DC, Metallica, Led Zeppelin. Boston, Deep Purple and Yngwie Malmsteen – none of which appealed to me at all (they did later, as I grew older and my own musical horizon was expanding – but not Yngwie…). For him to like what I was listening to was unusual and unsettling.

I sat there on the floor of his apartment and listened to the cassette through twice before I had to leave and walk back to Luigi’s. That was just the first of many, many times I would play that cassette through front to back. My friends were into the Wilburys as well and when we’d go out, it was often in the mix of stuff we’d pop into the car stereo and listen to or played in the background as we hung out and played D&D, so that little cassette tape got a lot of play.

It’s nice to have this music back into the mix again. I don’t know what confluence of events brought these guys together for a short time to make music together, but I’m glad that they did come together to produce some of my favorite songs of all time.

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Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 18:00:45 +0000

“I can’t believe you brought a MONSTER into my house?”

“Technically, he’s not a monster and it’s not your house, it’s m-”

“Without even asking me?!” *paces back and forth on the keyboard* “Okay, okay – it’s going to be okay. We can get through this.”

“Right.”

“I just need to show him who the boss is around here, that’s all.” *continues pacing*

“Right.”

“He’s not so tough.” *pauses* “It’s just a haircut, that’s all. He’s not really a.. a…”

“Lion?”

“WHERE?! DID HE SEE ME? AIIIIGGGHHH! HIDE ME!” *tries to climb the walls*

“Oh, yeah, you’re gonna show him who’s boss all right.”

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Random thoughts for July 2nd, 2010

Patrick Hester — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 18:00:50 +0000

/begin random thoughts

Every time I type ‘functional nerds’, I leave out the ‘c’ and have to fix it.

Every time I type @johnanealio, I add an extra ‘n’ and have to fix it as well.

Sometimes, I don’t catch either mistake as I’m in a hurry…

* * *

The other night, both cats were asleep on the couch. Dakota woke up and turned to Shadow, who promptly started grooming him. This would’ve been a really cool thing if they hadn’t got into a massive duster not ten minutes later that I had to break up because I was afraid they’d kill each other.

There’s a definite power struggle going on between them and I know that it has to resolve itself (or that it might never resolve itself). I really, really want them to get to a point where it’s just a couple cats playing and not a battle royale for supreme control over the house.

Sigh.

* * *

I’m all for doing what we can for the environment, but I am not an environmentalist. One of the things that I know has a huge impact is the new trend towards cloth grocery bags instead of plastic. Problem is, it bugs the living shit out of me.

I am not a shopper. I don’t shop. I don’t like to browse the aisles of the local grocery store looking for deals. I plan my trips like a precise military incursion; Enter through the main doors snagging a small basket (also known as a ‘Single Guy Indicator Badge’) and immediately veer right into produce to avoid crowds. Cut through and up the far side until you hit the bakery and place one loaf in basket, immediately cut across to milk and gather one gallon and then shoot to pasta asile for one package spahetti and one jar sauce. If funds are available, a side trip to ‘meats’ is acceptable for ground beef and or sausage. Once all items on list have been placed in basket, head directly to check out – DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT! DO NOT ENGAGE EMPLOYEE OFFERING FREE SAMPLES OF STOUFFERS PIZZA BITES BECAUSE IT IS A TRAP AND YOU WILL DIE YOU WILL DIE YOU WILL FUCKING DIE! (of heart disease in 30 years or so…)

Once I get to the checkout, my entire trip having used up only seven and a half minutes thus far, I must now wait in line for twenty-three minutes while the people in front of me insist on using their cloth grocery bags to carry their three flats of plastic water bottles (yay environment!), causing a bottle neck (pun…).

Grocery checkout is an assembly line. A well oiled machine, as it were, and the whole thing comes crashing down on your head when you throw a wrench into the machinery and, unfortunately, cloth bags are the wrench.

A clever store might, just might, do an exchange program. Replace all plastic bags with cloth bags so there’s nothing to change up or cause problems on the line. Then, when you come in to get groceries, you take your old bags and toss em in a bin to be cleaned and reused while taking fresh bags from the line. (how about a barcode on each bag attached to your account – scan em out, scan em in, get charged a nominal fee like 10cents a bag, credited back when you return em or some such?)

A clever store might do that. Most stores aren’t clever.

My mom works at WalMart as a cashier. She says nothing causes them more trouble than when someone brings in a cloth bag. They are pressured, massively pressured, to be fast, fast, fast – faster than their peers, faster than the Flash when scanning and bagging. They DREAD seeing the cloth bags coming down the line because they worry about how it’s going to impact their score for the day.

Does that sound right to you? Me either.

The other thing she says they dread is what they might find when they open the bags people bring in. One day, the lady across from mom opened such a bag and screamed her head off, quickly dropping it and backing away from it like it were on fire. Apparently, when she opened it, spiders spewed forth…

* * *

I don’t know that I like the new Doctor Who. There’s just something off about it. Hard to put my finger on it.

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Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 18:00:25 +0000

a short time ago in a house not so far away from here…

“Well. It’s about fucking time. Where have you been?”

“I have been to the Stupid Friends Guild – remember them? They used to take care of you-”

“Whatever. Don’t let it happen again. I want my dinner on the table promptly at-wait, what the fuck is that?”

“This, is a cat carrier.”

“Cat carrier?” *eyes narrow*

“That’s right. A cat carrier. And right now, it is carrying your new best friend! Shadow, I’d like you to meet: Dakota!” *sets cat carrier down, opens door – a cat easily twice the size of Shadow waddles out, hair cut to look like a lions mane and paws*

Dakota: “Hello! So. This is my new kingdom, eh? No sun-rock to lounge on? Ah well, I’ll make do I suppose.”

Shadow: *eyes wide, jaw on the floor*

Dakota: “And who might you be?”

Shadow: *screams* *runs to the stairs, turns around*

“Um….”

Shadow: *screams – races up to the landing, looks through the rails*

Dakota: *laughs* “Skittish little thing, aren’t you?”

Shadow: *screams – runs and hides*

“Oh boy. This isn’t going exactly the way I’d planned…”

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Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 19:30:37 +0000

“Hi!”

*groan* “…aw, come on. What time is it?”

“I don’t know – listen, I need you to do something for me.”

“No! The sun isn’t up yet! That means I’m supposed to be sleeping not doing stuff for you!”

“Well, to be honest, it’s half for me half for you.”

“No! I want to go back to sleep!”

“Fine, but don’t bitch at me if you roll over into this puke.”

“WHAT? AWWW! DUDE! SICK! WHY?”

“I know you don’t like it when I puke on the carpet, so… Surprise! I helped!”

“STOP HELPING ME!”

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Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 19:30:03 +0000

*barf*

“AWWWWW! DUDE! ON THE CARPET?! WHY?”

“I didn’t want to get it on the wood floor – that would be gross! Now, clean it up. I’m gonna go nap in a sunbeam.”

“. . .”

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Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 19:30:19 +0000

“Hey! The closet door is closed. I need to get in there.”

“The closet door is closed because SOMEONE keeps going in there, trying to climb as high as possible, and knocking shit over. Not to mention he uses my clothes as a sort of ladder for claws, so I have all these little holes in my shirts.”

“Well. if you open the closet door, I’ll protect your clothes from that asshole!”

“. . .”

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Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 19:30:45 +0000

*last night*

“…look, I know we talk about a lot of stuff, but I have to say – this is the weirdest thing you have ever, ever done.”

*muffled noises*

“What?”

*muffled noises*

“What?!”

*muffled noises*

*Pulls covers back on bed to reveal the cat curled up by his feet*

“I SAID IT’S DAMNED COLD SO SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!”

“…oh, okay.”

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Conversations with my cat

Patrick Hester — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 19:30:31 +0000

“Hey! Where’s my water?”

“I have to clean it. I don’t understand how it gets so… slimy, week to week. It’s gross.”

“I want water.”

“I know – give me a sec, almost done. Getting it nice and clean for you.”

“But, I want water now.”

“I know! I’m almost done.”

“But, ‘almost’ isn’t ‘now’. I want water now.”

“Just another second, need to dry it off and fill it up.”

“But, I want it now.”

“All right, all right! Geez!” *dries it off, fills it with clean water, sets it down*

*sniffs* “Eh. I’ll have some later.”

“But, you said you wanted it now!”

“That was before. You took to long. You should try harder.”

*wets fingers* “…boy, have I got some water for you!” *flicks*

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