All Things From My Brain » The Cat http://www.atfmb.com Patrick Hester's Blog Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:59:50 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 en hourly 1 All Things From My Brain is the podcast from aspiring author Patrick Hester. Proud to be described as a functional nerd, Patrick's blog and this podcast reflect his take on just about anything that comes into his brain from day to day. From comics to movies to television and video games, comics, books, technology and pop culture - you name it, he talks about it. He brings his own quirky / dark sense of humor and point of view to every topic he decides to cover. Check back weekly for new episodes and don't be afraid to tell your friends all about us! Patrick Hester no Patrick Hester patrick@thenewuniverse.com patrick@thenewuniverse.com (Patrick Hester) Patrick Hester All Rightss Reserved by Patrick Hester mac, pc, scifi, geek, tv, comic books, satire, nerd, fantasy, review, author, technology All Things From My Brain » The Cat http://www.atfmb.com/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://www.atfmb.com/category/the-cat/ Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/07/22/conversations-with-my-cat-44/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/07/22/conversations-with-my-cat-44/#comments Thu, 22 Jul 2010 18:00:15 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2981 Shadow: “I’m telling you – we have to do something!”

Me: “About?”

“THE MONSTER IN THE HOUSE? Where the hell have you been?”

“I don’t think he’s the monster you think he is.  Have you tried talking to him?”

“You don’t talk to monsters.  You slay them.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Those shows you watch with the girl who goes [...]]]> Shadow: “I’m telling you – we have to do something!”

Me: “About?”

“THE MONSTER IN THE HOUSE? Where the hell have you been?”

“I don’t think he’s the monster you think he is.  Have you tried talking to him?”

“You don’t talk to monsters.  You slay them.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Those shows you watch with the girl who goes around killing monsters. DUH!”

“Right.  Listen, you two need to get along so-” *picks him up*

“Hey!  HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME DOWN, FUCKER!*

“Calm down!  This is for your own good!” *tosses him down on the comfy chair next to Dakota*

Dakota: “Bwohaha.  Han, ma bookie, keel-ee calleya ku kah.”

Shadow: “AIIIIIGGGHHHHH!”

Dakota: “Bwohahaha.”

Sigh.

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/07/22/conversations-with-my-cat-44/feed/ 0 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/24/conversations-with-my-cat-41/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/24/conversations-with-my-cat-41/#comments Sat, 24 Apr 2010 19:30:37 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2485 “Hi!”

*groan* “…aw, come on. What time is it?”

“I don’t know – listen, I need you to do something for me.”

“No! The sun isn’t up yet! That means I’m supposed to be sleeping not doing stuff for you!”

“Well, to be honest, it’s half for me half for you.”

“No!  I want to go back to sleep!”

“Fine, but [...]]]> “Hi!”

*groan* “…aw, come on. What time is it?”

“I don’t know – listen, I need you to do something for me.”

“No! The sun isn’t up yet! That means I’m supposed to be sleeping not doing stuff for you!”

“Well, to be honest, it’s half for me half for you.”

“No!  I want to go back to sleep!”

“Fine, but don’t bitch at me if you roll over into this puke.”

“WHAT? AWWW! DUDE! SICK! WHY?”

“I know you don’t like it when I puke on the carpet, so… Surprise!  I helped!”

“STOP HELPING ME!”

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/24/conversations-with-my-cat-41/feed/ 1 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/22/conversations-with-my-cat-40/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/22/conversations-with-my-cat-40/#comments Thu, 22 Apr 2010 19:30:03 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2483 *barf*

“AWWWWW! DUDE! ON THE CARPET?! WHY?”

“I didn’t want to get it on the wood floor – that would be gross! Now, clean it up. I’m gonna go nap in a sunbeam.”

“. . .”

Make me famous: ]]> *barf*

“AWWWWW! DUDE! ON THE CARPET?! WHY?”

“I didn’t want to get it on the wood floor – that would be gross! Now, clean it up. I’m gonna go nap in a sunbeam.”

“. . .”

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/22/conversations-with-my-cat-40/feed/ 0 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/17/conversations-with-my-cat-39/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/17/conversations-with-my-cat-39/#comments Sat, 17 Apr 2010 19:30:19 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2481 “Hey! The closet door is closed. I need to get in there.”

“The closet door is closed because SOMEONE keeps going in there, trying to climb as high as possible, and knocking shit over. Not to mention he uses my clothes as a sort of ladder for claws, so I have all these little holes in [...]]]> “Hey! The closet door is closed. I need to get in there.”

“The closet door is closed because SOMEONE keeps going in there, trying to climb as high as possible, and knocking shit over. Not to mention he uses my clothes as a sort of ladder for claws, so I have all these little holes in my shirts.”

“Well. if you open the closet door, I’ll protect your clothes from that asshole!”

“. . .”

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/17/conversations-with-my-cat-39/feed/ 0 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/15/conversations-with-my-cat-38/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/15/conversations-with-my-cat-38/#comments Thu, 15 Apr 2010 19:30:45 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2400 *last night*

“…look, I know we talk about a lot of stuff, but I have to say – this is the weirdest thing you have ever, ever done.”

*muffled noises*

“What?”

*muffled noises*

“What?!”

*muffled noises*

*Pulls covers back on bed to reveal the cat curled up by his feet*

“I SAID IT’S DAMNED COLD SO SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!”

“…oh, okay.”

Make [...]]]> *last night*

“…look, I know we talk about a lot of stuff, but I have to say – this is the weirdest thing you have ever, ever done.”

*muffled noises*

“What?”

*muffled noises*

“What?!”

*muffled noises*

*Pulls covers back on bed to reveal the cat curled up by his feet*

“I SAID IT’S DAMNED COLD SO SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!”

“…oh, okay.”

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/15/conversations-with-my-cat-38/feed/ 1 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/10/conversations-with-my-cat-37/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/10/conversations-with-my-cat-37/#comments Sat, 10 Apr 2010 19:30:31 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2398 “Hey! Where’s my water?”

“I have to clean it.  I don’t understand how it gets so… slimy, week to week.  It’s gross.”

“I want water.”

“I know – give me a sec, almost done.  Getting it nice and clean for you.”

“But, I want water now.”

“I know!  I’m almost done.”

“But, ‘almost’ isn’t ‘now’.  I want water now.”

“Just another second, [...]]]> “Hey! Where’s my water?”

“I have to clean it.  I don’t understand how it gets so… slimy, week to week.  It’s gross.”

“I want water.”

“I know – give me a sec, almost done.  Getting it nice and clean for you.”

“But, I want water now.”

“I know!  I’m almost done.”

“But, ‘almost’ isn’t ‘now’.  I want water now.”

“Just another second, need to dry it off and fill it up.”

“But, I want it now.”

“All right, all right!  Geez!”  *dries it off, fills it with clean water, sets it down*

*sniffs* “Eh.  I’ll have some later.”

“But, you said you wanted it now!”

“That was before.  You took to long.  You should try harder.”

*wets fingers* “…boy, have I got some water for you!” *flicks*

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/10/conversations-with-my-cat-37/feed/ 1 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/08/conversations-with-my-cat-36/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/08/conversations-with-my-cat-36/#comments Thu, 08 Apr 2010 19:30:41 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2395 'The Bird'

5:45 am.

*purr* *CHOMP!*

“OW!  WHAT THE FUCK?! OW!”

“What’s wrong?”

“DID YOU JUST BITE MY NOSE?!”

“Pffft!  That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

“OH MY GOD YOU DID – YOU BIT MY FUCKING NOSE!  OH MY GOD!”

“You are so totally overreacting!”

“HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO REACT TO BEING WOKEN UP BY HAVING YOUR NOSE BITTEN?!”

“Well, now [...]]]>

'The Bird'

5:45 am.

*purr* *CHOMP!*

“OW!  WHAT THE FUCK?! OW!”

“What’s wrong?”

“DID YOU JUST BITE MY NOSE?!”

“Pffft!  That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

“OH MY GOD YOU DID – YOU BIT MY FUCKING NOSE!  OH MY GOD!”

“You are so totally overreacting!”

“HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO REACT TO BEING WOKEN UP BY HAVING YOUR NOSE BITTEN?!”

“Well, now that you’re up we could play.  The bird’s in the other room looking like it’s planning something…  We should get on that…”

“. . .”

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/08/conversations-with-my-cat-36/feed/ 0 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/03/conversations-with-my-cat-35/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/03/conversations-with-my-cat-35/#comments Sat, 03 Apr 2010 19:30:29 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2393 5:30 am.

*purrrrr*

*groan – looks at the clock* “Oh, gadz – are we doing this again?”

“Doing what?” *purrrr*

“You haven’t woken me up at 5:30 am in a month or more.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“The time?  It’s 5:30 am!  Morning!  When normal people are sleep?”

“Oh.  Cat’s don’t have the same linear understanding of time as humans [...]]]> 5:30 am.

*purrrrr*

*groan – looks at the clock* “Oh, gadz – are we doing this again?”

“Doing what?” *purrrr*

“You haven’t woken me up at 5:30 am in a month or more.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“The time?  It’s 5:30 am!  Morning!  When normal people are sleep?”

“Oh.  Cat’s don’t have the same linear understanding of time as humans do.  To us, time simply is.  It is neither an event nor a thing, and thus is not itself measurable nor can it be traveled.”

“. . .”

“…so, can we play now?”  *purrrrrr*

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/03/conversations-with-my-cat-35/feed/ 0 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/01/conversations-with-my-cat-34/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/01/conversations-with-my-cat-34/#comments Thu, 01 Apr 2010 19:30:44 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2391 *Grabs tail* “That’s MY tail!”

*ears twitch* “No, it’s not.” *flicks tail*

*grabs tail again* “My tail.”

*ears twitch, lie flat briefly* “No.  It’s not.” *flicks tail*

*Grabs tail* “That’s MY tail.”

“RAWR!” *flips, spins, attacks, claws and teeth*

“Okay, okay – it’s your tail!  Sheesh!”

*Ears flat, eyes slits* “Damn right it’s MY tail…” *curls tail up under him*

Make me famous: ]]> *Grabs tail* “That’s MY tail!”

*ears twitch* “No, it’s not.” *flicks tail*

*grabs tail again* “My tail.”

*ears twitch, lie flat briefly* “No.  It’s not.” *flicks tail*

*Grabs tail* “That’s MY tail.”

“RAWR!” *flips, spins, attacks, claws and teeth*

“Okay, okay – it’s your tail!  Sheesh!”

*Ears flat, eyes slits* “Damn right it’s MY tail…” *curls tail up under him*

]]> http://www.atfmb.com/2010/04/01/conversations-with-my-cat-34/feed/ 0 Conversations with my cat http://www.atfmb.com/2010/03/27/conversations-with-my-cat-33/ http://www.atfmb.com/2010/03/27/conversations-with-my-cat-33/#comments Sat, 27 Mar 2010 19:30:07 +0000 Patrick Hester http://www.atfmb.com/?p=2389 “Hey.  hey, you.  Wake up.”  *paw in the face*

“Mrrmmble…” *snore*

“Hey.  Wake up.  Come on.” *paw in the face*

“Whu?*” *bleary eyed stare at clock*  “It’s 5 am.”

“I’m out of food.  I need you to feed me.”

“You are not out of food.  Go to sleep.”

*paw* “I am totally out of food.”

“You’re not going to let me sleep [...]]]> “Hey.  hey, you.  Wake up.”  *paw in the face*

“Mrrmmble…” *snore*

“Hey.  Wake up.  Come on.” *paw in the face*

“Whu?*” *bleary eyed stare at clock*  “It’s 5 am.”

“I’m out of food.  I need you to feed me.”

“You are not out of food.  Go to sleep.”

*paw* “I am totally out of food.”

“You’re not going to let me sleep unless I do this, are you?”

“Food.  Now.”

“FINE!” *gets up, walks into the kitchen – there’s food in the dish, but there’s a small patch where you can see the bottom of the dish*

*PURRRRRRRRRRR*

*grumbles-reaches up and grabs the bag.* “Er…” *empty*  “Here you go…”  *Pretends to mix up food in the bowl*

“What the hell is this?”

“Uh…”

“I saw what you did – what sort of BS is this?”

“Look – we’re out.  What’s in the dish is all that there is.  I’ll go get you some more after work.”

“You better.  And get it right this time.”

*goes back to bed*

-much, much later at the pet store-

“Okay…  Adult… indoor cat…  Shit.”

“Can I help you sir?”

“Yeah – they changed the packaging.  I need to get my cat some food and they changed the packaging.  Why did they change the packaging?!”

“Well, I can help-”

“You don’t understand – I need to get the right food!  IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT FOOD!”

“Sir, I can-”

“IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT FOOD – HE WON’T LET ME SLEEP IF IT’S NOT THE RIGHT FOOD!  WHY DID THEY CHANGE THE PACKAGING?!?!  OH GOD, I THINK I’M HYPERVENTILATING!!!  I CA-  I CA-” *squeaks* “BREATHE!”

*intercom* “Cat owner in the fetal position, aisle 9.  Cat owner in the fetal position, aisle 9…”

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