Tales of Skyrim Woe

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skyrimI never should have opened this god damned game.  Seriously.

So, I decide to buy a horse.  Because I’m tired of running everywhere.  And walking.  Because, you know, I’m carrying 4 times the limit on what I can actually carry.  Which means I can’t run.  So I buy a horse.  I’m happy.

I leave the big town and I start riding around.  I do this for about an hour.  It’s an old World of Warcraft thing.  Get your horse, ride around filling out your map by discovering places.  As I said, I do this for an hour.  Then, a pair of FUCKING VAMPIRES come out of NOWHERE and EAT MY HORSE!

Who does that?  Who eats a horse?

Okay, okay, calm down… You can still – shit, they killed me, too.

OH FUCK NO – I NEVER SAVED ANYTHING!

Now I am back at the big city.  I REBUY MY FUCKING HORSE (grumble), and I retrace my steps as best I can so I end up in the SAME GOD DAMN PLACE AT THE SAME GOD DAMNED TIME so I can kill those fucking vampires… only they aren’t there… GOD DAMNED RANDOM WORLD SHIT!

Okay, okay – vengeance would’ve been nice, but we can get over it…  Save the game.

Days later.  GUARDS AT SOME FORT KILL MY HORSE WHEN I DISMOUNT TO SAY HELLO!  After they kill my horse, I CAN’T FIGHT THEM – IT WON’T LET ME!

WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE MY HORSE SO MUCH?

ARGH!

“So, what are you writing these days, ATFMB?”

“SHUT UP I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO RESURRECT MY HORSE!”

*looks around the sky nervously*  You heard that right?  OH SHIT DRAGON!

THIS GAME NEEDS A HEARTHSTONE!

“I am here to serve you, my Thane.”

“Great!  I need you to help me clean out this cave.”

“MERCY!”

“Lydia?  LYDIA ARE YOU DEAD?  AGAIN?  GOD DAMMIT!  YOU AND MY HORSE KEEP GETTING YOURSELVES MURDERED!  I’m gonna start calling you Kenny.  GREAT!  NOW I’M DEAD!  GOD DAMMIT!”

“You seem pretty stressed out.”

“Yeah.”

“Work?”

“What?  No!  That’s great.  It’s this stupid dungeon!  I can’t seem to get passed the second wave of thugs.  They keep killing Lydia!”

“What are we talking about now?”

“Skyrim?”

“HOkay…”

“Hey, want to have a drinking contest?”

Hrm.  I was here to finish a quest, but why not.

“…you don’t look so good.”

Oh, fu-

“Welcome to a completely different city!”

-ck!

*runs all the way back to previous city*

Fast travel?  FAST TRAVEL?  GOD DAMMIT!  I SHOULD’VE READ THE BOOK!  WHERE IS IT?  I’M GONNA READ IT RIGHT THE HELL NOW!  GOD DAMMIT!  FAST TRAVEL?  SERIOUSLY?

2 comments for “Tales of Skyrim Woe

  1. July 23, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    Okay, I’ll admit after the 20th time Lydia died I got a mod where she wouldn’t anymore. And after my horse made a suicidal rush at a dragon and giant fighting at least 500 feet away when I dismounted to kill a wolf, I decided to mod it so the horse was a coward, and couldn’t die.

    Cause, seriously.

  2. August 4, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    A mage stole Lydia from me when I attempted to defend their college and village from an invasion of Magic Anomalies. I assumed she was grabbed by the scripted event or something and would come running back to me after, but no… she up and vanished, never to be seen or heard from again. She’s probably dead, but that’s not my problem anymore.

    My horse is more reliable and has managed to survive every encounter he rushes into. Unless he rushes into the ground after jumping off a cliff. I keep losing them that way.

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