Friday Flick: Dark Shadows

Official Description: From the wonderfully warped imagination of Tim Burton comes the story of Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), a dashing aristocrat who is turned into a vampire by a jilted lover and entombed for two centuries. Emerging from his coffin into the world of 1972, he returns to his once-majestic home, only to the few dysfunctional descendants of the Collins family who remain. Determined to return his family name to its former glory, Barnabas is thwarted at every turn by his former lover – the seductive witch Angelique (Eva Green) – in this wildly imaginative” (Sam Hallenbeck, NBC-TV adventure).

Unofficial Description: Johnny Depp, Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter got high one night and wondered, “What can we convince people to give us money for this time?”

The first ten-ish minutes of this were actually pretty good.  That’s the whole backstory bit where Barnabas Collins moves to America where his family builds a fishing empire, he falls in love and is then cursed to be a vampire by the witch Angelique, and is buried ‘alive’ by the rabid townspeople.  All of that – great stuff.  Seriously.  Just watch that part.

After that, things get weird.  Tim Burton / Johnny Depp weird.  Aside from a couple amusing ‘fish out of water’ one liners, and Alice Cooper trying to be Alice Cooper from the 70’s, there’s really nothing else worthwhile here.  And what the hell is up with the werewolf?  That made no sense whatsoever.  Unless I missed something earlier.  Which is possible.  Because I may have zoned out once or five times.