I once participated in the planned creation of a new religion.

When I was living in Chattanooga, TN, I worked for a corporation called Gemline.  Sadly, that company is no more (it was a great / fun place to work overall).  Anyway, almost every day, I had lunch with my friend Todd.  Among the plentiful and amusing conversations we had on a daily basis, we decided that what we really needed to do was start our own religion for single people.

Now, you may think to yourself, “Self – these guys are nuts.”  Hang in there – I promise you I have a good (mostly) reason for wanting to start a new religion and it has nothing to do with preaching anything to you nor collecting money on television.

See, we just wanted some more time off.

As a couple of single dudes, we noticed that we were getting hosed.  Todd, fresh from college, worked in the IT Department and I was working as the Marketing Director (Title may have been Advertising Director, actually).  What we saw was the following:

  • As the single guys, it was expected that we would work late, stay longer, etc.
  • As the non-Religious guys, it was also expected that we could/would stay late, work weekends, etc.
  • The married people didn’t have to stay late (much)
  • Parents got all sorts of exceptions for every rule (Kids are sick, you can stay home.  Take em to school? You can be late – have an appointment for the kids? Take off early/come in late), etc and so on
  • There were maternity leave programs for both male and female employees
  • Religious people got feast days and religious holidays off

Essentially, we realized that our lifestyle choices – being single, not being religious, not having kids, were really causing us problems.  So, as young stupid people do, we tried to come up with some way to work within the system to get a little relief.

Hence, The Hallmark Religion.

With the Hallmark Religion, we would worship at the altar of the almighty Hallmark.  Whatever they had a card for, we would consider to be a religious holiday and, therefore, would take that day off.  This would give us all sorts of great days off including:

  • St. Patrick’s Day 3/17
  • April Fools’ Day 4/1
  • Passover 3/30 – 4/5
  • Easter 4/4
  • Tax Day 4/15
  • Admin Prof Day 4/21
  • Earth Day 4/22
  • Cinco de Mayo 5/5
  • Nurses Day 5/6
  • Mother’s Day 5/9
  • Armed Forces Day 5/15
  • Memorial Day 5/31
  • Best Friend Day 6/8
  • Father’s Day 6/20
  • Canada Day 7/1
  • Fourth of July 7/4
  • Friendship Day 8/1
  • Sister’s Day 8/5
  • Eid al-Fitr 10/1
  • Rosh Hashanah 9/9
  • Grandparents Day 9/12
  • Yom Kippur 9/18
  • National Boss Day 10/16
  • Sweetest Day 10/16
  • Diwali 11/5
  • Halloween 10/31
  • Veterans Day 11/11
  • Thanksgiving 11/25
  • Hanukkah 12/12 -12/19
  • Christmas 12/25
  • Kwanzaa 12/26
  • New Year 1/1
  • Groundhog Day 2/2
  • Valentine’s Day 2/14
  • Chinese New Year 2/14

Boss: “I’m going to need you to work on Saturday.”

Us: “Oh, sorry – that’s Nurses Day, a religious holiday for us.  Can’t work on a religious holiday.”

Sadly, our new religion never got off the ground.  If it had, single people throughout the corporate culture would’ve been flocking to be part of our flock, so to speak.

…might be worth revisiting someday. 😉