Farscape
“Once upon a time there was a boy named John and John was an astronaut. He lived in a far away place called Earth which is so far away you’ve never heard of it. One day when John was out doing astronaut things a big, blue wormhole gobbled him up and spat him out at the far end of the universe. Things were looking grim in Mudville, till our hero met an amazing living ship, made some nice new friends, and he hooked up with his dream girl. We could’ve lived happily ever after, but the Peacekeepers raped, chased and tortured us for years on end. And two months ago, we got our asses shot off again. This time it was the Scarrans, big reptiles, oh! And Moya, our living ship, limped her way to your happy planet for a little R&R, because, we figure, it’s empty! Hey, no one is gonna bother us. Next thing, me and the future Mrs. Crichton are having a private moment when you guys fly by – boom – badda bing – squiggly line, squiggly line – crystallized and it’s two months later.”
Crichton: Come here. Closer. You want to see it? The thing you’ve been chasing my ass all over the universe for? Torturing me, my wife, my friends for? The wormhole weapon? You want to see it?
Scorpius: Yes
Crichton: Beg
Scorpius: I beg you.
Crichton: That’s not good enough. Say please.
Scorpius: Please
Crichton: Pretty please
Scorpius: Pretty please
Together: With a cherry on top.
Crichton: Happy Birthday. Now, get out of my sight.
Crichton: Here’s how it lays out. Are you listening Stahleek? Grayza? Wormhole weapons do not make peace. Wormhole weapons do not even make war. They make total destruction, annihilation, Armageddon. People make peace.
Chiana: Crichton, can you stop it?
Crichton: I don’t know, maybe. It eats the whole universe, a monumental black hole, a giant whirling headstone marking the spot where we all used to live and play and slaughter the innocent.
Scorpius: This is insane, Crichton.
[John lets out a choked laugh.]
Crichton: God! Four years on and you’re finally getting that.
Thus ends the lesson. John Crichton, astronaut from Earth, catapulted into a distant part of the universe and hunted for his knowledge of wormholes, builds the ultimate weapon. The Peacekeepers and the Scarrans are fighting the war to end all wars and what does John do?
He teaches them that some things should never, ever, be created.
A fantastic end to a fantastic show.
~P
